So, it finally came to fruition - laser eye surgery! Biting that bullet almost broke my teeth but I summoned up my courage and am almost at 20/20 vision.
About a year ago I was given bi-focals. After one month of flapping about, suffering dizziness, nausea, running into walls, falling down stairs...yes, that's what I said...I walked into Lasik Md to find out if there was any way that I could avoid the misery of "getting used" to wearing bi-focals.
After a two hour examination and a quote to the tune of $3290 I shuffled out feeling deflated and defeated. The cost was clearly over my budget. My mind reeled at the very thought of having to wear bi-focals and feeling like I did...how was I going to manage for any length of time? How was I going to drive? Would I ever get used to wearing these things and functioning without continually injuring myself and feeling like I had the stomach flu every day?
About six months ago I started seeing little floaters in front of my eyes and sometimes I would even have little stars. As a result of seeing my optometrist, it seemed that I was showing the beginning signs of a detached retina. According to my doctor there was nothing to be done except to keep watch every few months. This wasn't a situation of "if", it was a situation of "when" and I was not about to sit around and wait for the "when". After reviewing how a detachment was corrected and learning about the amount of time that I would have to be off work, I quickly made off with a plan of attack.
I have never been one to just receive information at face value. Almost every time I make a decision it is as a result of timely research, pulling as much data that I can together to make an informed decision. Many situations in life can be avoided with a little planning. Proactive as opposed to Reactive...it's a motto that I stick by.
It seems that with laser surgery, the eye can be reshaped - voila...we have PROACTIVE! This is not to say that it will work but there is a great chance that the reshaping closes any opportunity or reduces the opportunity for the retina to detach. What the heck...I haven't lost anything by trying, infact, I gain sight!
So, I marched back into Lasik Md and this time it was $4000 - ouch! I was not a candidate for the regular lasik treatment as my cornea was too thin so I had to undergo the PRK with the new fandangled Zyoptix laser. It was this new laser that increased the price but given my set of circumstances, this was the best way to go. Hey...I only want the best for my eyes - they're the only set that I have!
The surgery itself, although psychologically freaky, didn't hurt. The procedure begins by taping your eyelashes back and then they have a little instrument to keep your eyes open and to stop you from blinking. Then they freeze your eyes with drops and with PRK, they take, what looks like a Braun Spinbrush, and scrub your eyes. Oh ya baby!! Then they laser them and you can smell the scent of burning eyeball. The eyes are flushed with cold water and this is such a great relief.
You are sent home with numbing eye drops and told that you may experience some discomfort. That's like telling me, when I was in labour, that I might have a few cramps!!!
About 2 hours after I got home, it felt like a had spilled acid on my eyeballs. The numbing drops would only hold me for a few hours and I was only allowed to use them every 6 hours. The Tylenol 3's were like peeing in the wind...USELESS!
I have had natural childbirth and a hysterectomy and I can say, with certainty, that this eye surgery was WORSE! I suffered for 3 days with this searing hot pain and I was unable to see. I "white-caned" it for most of last week and although my sight is still somewhat blurred, the pain is gone and the possibility of the detachment is gone.
In the end, if I knew what I know now, AND I didn't have the detachment to consider, I don't think I would have done this. That said, each client is different and each person has a different pain threshold but even with the piles of literature nothing really prepares you for the kind of pain that is associated with this type of surgery.
The staff and doctors were amazing and very sensitive to everyone's varying degrees of pain management.
So, there you have it. Cheers to my sight and seeing the world through my eyes!
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
It's got to be LOVE!
Just this past Monday, as I looked at my calendar, I realized it was now the second week of April. I was reviewing the events that were coming up and was dreamily reminiscing of the activities that we had done earlier this year. A big "phew" sigh came across my lips as I happily thought that our household had "missed" the stomach bug that had been swirling around since January.
On Monday night, my son and I were sitting down to our dinner, our time passed pleasantly with light conversation but my son ate very little. Of course, I was secretly puffing with frustration as I had assumed that he had been into the "Easter" bin but when asked what he had eaten his reply negated my assumptions. He had been mentioning that his tummy was sore and that he wasn't hungry but I didn't think anything further than he's probably not in "his growing phase". Usually he eats me out of house and home, only to find, at the end of the month, my son half an inch taller than the month before. So, I always reason that if he's not hungry than his body doesn't need as much of it so I don't bother my thoughts with it further.
I should have known something was up because he was clingy after dinner and refused to go upstairs without me when bedtime came. Of course, I was getting an "Easter" massage by one of my favourite RMT's so I must say, I wasn't pleased that he was not being a bit more independent in his actions. I get very little "me" time and this was "me" time that I don't like compromised. So, I asked him to settle on the couch and would tend to him when my massage was done.
Saying good-bye to my RMT, I walked my boy upstairs. I was in my fluffy comfy warm robe with blissful relaxing vibes as a result of my much-needed massage. I snuggled into my boys bed and read to him. However, I knew that my relaxed body would soon be shocked into reality with a boy that began to feel the signs of "something" lurking at a cellular level. His pleas for relief from a tummy ache began to increase. We had had a busy weekend with little sleep and not the greatest of food so I just continued bypassing the thought that it was anything other than a flu bug.
However, at 11:15, my little boy ran into my room and in the midst of trying to tell me that he was going to be sick, out came projectile vomit all over my feet. I quickly rummaged around for the garbage pail because I knew there was more to come. I asked my room-mate to get up and hold the pail while I tried to unglue my feet from the vomit pool on the floor. Now, I adore my room-mate, but having the ability to wake quickly and be ALERT, ready for ACTION - not so good at this! As she groggily got out of bed, stumbled across the room, I gave quick orders because, clearly, her brain wouldn't have worked sharply enough before the next onslaught of volcanic vomit hit again.
So, once all was cleaned, wiped and washed, I thanked my room-mate for her efforts and I put my scared little boy back to his bed. At this point, I was the recipient of an onslaught of "I'm sorry's" and chatter coming from a scared little boy who didn't know what to do with all of his nervous feelings as a result of his illness. For some people, upchucking is a scary experience. I work with adults who have been sick at the office and the very thought of puking scares the hell out of them so I have full empathy and sympathy when it comes to this sort of thing.
I stayed with my boy most of the night, working my fingers gently through his hair, nurturing as only a mother can do. He woke the next morning, very weak and wanting his mommy. Taking him to his father's was not an option, not only because he was too sick to go anywhere and I wasn't about to disturb my son from surroundings that were a comfort to him but he didn't want his dad, he wanted me, his mommy! I snuggled my boy all day and by the end of the day, his appetite started to pique and crackers and gingerale were on the menu of acceptable items that could cross his lips and not upset his tummy.
That evening, as I put my boy to bed, my heart warmed at the sight of him. My mind wandered to the events that had taken place in the previous 24 hours. I smiled to myself...only a mother's love could handle standing in a vomit pool, staying up all night and all day, function on little sleep, cater to every whim of her sick child and still smile with such beaming warmth and not want to miss this event for the world.
It's nice to know that my motherly love is still needed and wanted by this wonderful little boy. Happiness is...
On Monday night, my son and I were sitting down to our dinner, our time passed pleasantly with light conversation but my son ate very little. Of course, I was secretly puffing with frustration as I had assumed that he had been into the "Easter" bin but when asked what he had eaten his reply negated my assumptions. He had been mentioning that his tummy was sore and that he wasn't hungry but I didn't think anything further than he's probably not in "his growing phase". Usually he eats me out of house and home, only to find, at the end of the month, my son half an inch taller than the month before. So, I always reason that if he's not hungry than his body doesn't need as much of it so I don't bother my thoughts with it further.
I should have known something was up because he was clingy after dinner and refused to go upstairs without me when bedtime came. Of course, I was getting an "Easter" massage by one of my favourite RMT's so I must say, I wasn't pleased that he was not being a bit more independent in his actions. I get very little "me" time and this was "me" time that I don't like compromised. So, I asked him to settle on the couch and would tend to him when my massage was done.
Saying good-bye to my RMT, I walked my boy upstairs. I was in my fluffy comfy warm robe with blissful relaxing vibes as a result of my much-needed massage. I snuggled into my boys bed and read to him. However, I knew that my relaxed body would soon be shocked into reality with a boy that began to feel the signs of "something" lurking at a cellular level. His pleas for relief from a tummy ache began to increase. We had had a busy weekend with little sleep and not the greatest of food so I just continued bypassing the thought that it was anything other than a flu bug.
However, at 11:15, my little boy ran into my room and in the midst of trying to tell me that he was going to be sick, out came projectile vomit all over my feet. I quickly rummaged around for the garbage pail because I knew there was more to come. I asked my room-mate to get up and hold the pail while I tried to unglue my feet from the vomit pool on the floor. Now, I adore my room-mate, but having the ability to wake quickly and be ALERT, ready for ACTION - not so good at this! As she groggily got out of bed, stumbled across the room, I gave quick orders because, clearly, her brain wouldn't have worked sharply enough before the next onslaught of volcanic vomit hit again.
So, once all was cleaned, wiped and washed, I thanked my room-mate for her efforts and I put my scared little boy back to his bed. At this point, I was the recipient of an onslaught of "I'm sorry's" and chatter coming from a scared little boy who didn't know what to do with all of his nervous feelings as a result of his illness. For some people, upchucking is a scary experience. I work with adults who have been sick at the office and the very thought of puking scares the hell out of them so I have full empathy and sympathy when it comes to this sort of thing.
I stayed with my boy most of the night, working my fingers gently through his hair, nurturing as only a mother can do. He woke the next morning, very weak and wanting his mommy. Taking him to his father's was not an option, not only because he was too sick to go anywhere and I wasn't about to disturb my son from surroundings that were a comfort to him but he didn't want his dad, he wanted me, his mommy! I snuggled my boy all day and by the end of the day, his appetite started to pique and crackers and gingerale were on the menu of acceptable items that could cross his lips and not upset his tummy.
That evening, as I put my boy to bed, my heart warmed at the sight of him. My mind wandered to the events that had taken place in the previous 24 hours. I smiled to myself...only a mother's love could handle standing in a vomit pool, staying up all night and all day, function on little sleep, cater to every whim of her sick child and still smile with such beaming warmth and not want to miss this event for the world.
It's nice to know that my motherly love is still needed and wanted by this wonderful little boy. Happiness is...
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Great Parenting Starts at Home
The title of this entry may seem rather odd to some but hear me out.
I always thought that life lessons and life directions came from home and I think, for most of us, they do. As a result of traveling and volunteering I have observed various styles of parenting and various displays of behaviour exhibited by their children, some good, some absolutely dismal.
I have witnessed some parents being very supportive as their children navigated their way, showing kindness when needed, exerting firmness when required but always allowing their children to make mistakes so they could learn and grow. The parents I observed were actively involved with their childs development and were active participants in their life, being accountable parents and thus having children that would become accountable little people growing into accountable adults.
On the other scale, I saw parents that looked like deer-in-headlights, appearing like they didn't even have kids, allowing their kids to run around and disrupt other people. At times, it even seemed like the parents were in La-La-Land, head in the clouds, not giving a care that their kids fell, were about to run onto a busy street with oncoming cars, or were in need of anything. There was one incident that remains strong in my mind and to this day, still leaves me somewhat unnerved.
The incident that I'm referring was during the morning drop-off at our school. A mother sat down on the benches to wait until the school bell went. Her daughter, around the age of 8, decided to play with another girl that was on the slide set. At one point the girl began to punch and spit on this other little girl then proceeded to taunt her, calling her names, pushing her, shoving her. While all of this was going on, I stood there dumbfounded. Not wanting to overstep my boundaries, I went over to the mother and mentioned that her child was being aggressive and perhaps she needed to step in.
What I wanted to say was, "your kid is being a little shit and you don't seem to care, but you need to get involved before your kid rips off this other girls face with the barrage of punches, you shitty parent!"
However, my exterior frame remained calm, all the while inside I was seething. The woman sat there and as almost, in a daze, or a drugged state (who knows!) looked over at her child, took a deep breath and looked to me with shrugged shoulders, as if to say, "what am I supposed to do about it".
Fortunately, I had the sense to go over there on my own and break it up and then I proceeded to take the child to the on-duty teacher where they dealt with it.
But you see, that's my point! Parenting starts at home, with a parent that is actively engaged in their childs wellbeing. Not turing a blind-eye to behaviour and pretending that it's not there or relying on other people to "parent" you child.
Call me old-fashioned, even traditional, but I want my son to grow into a responsible adult, being accountable for his decisions, being kind and sensitive, not because he has to but because this is his innate nature to do so.
As a mother, I found a quote very relevant to me. If anyone has ever heard of the Enneagram, I'm a 2 on this scale. 2's are supermoms! We are rescuers, helpers, crazed multitaskers, no job too big or too small for us!
However, as a parent, if you are constantly running D for your kid then you are taking away their reasoning power, in fact, a rescuing parent is an enabler and that can come back to bite you hard! Kids need to make age-appropriate decisions, learn from their mistakes and I'm not talking about the ones that you point out to them. Being accountable for behaviours and actions are key and through experience, children will be able to figure this out but only if you let them fall.
As a 2 I'm often in default of not letting my kid fall but when I read this quote it helped me to become refocused and become a supportive, actively engaged mom and not a rescuer mom.
So, I would like to share this quote that I found by Abigail Van Buren:
"If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibilities on their shoulders."
Quote by Abigail Van Buren
I always thought that life lessons and life directions came from home and I think, for most of us, they do. As a result of traveling and volunteering I have observed various styles of parenting and various displays of behaviour exhibited by their children, some good, some absolutely dismal.
I have witnessed some parents being very supportive as their children navigated their way, showing kindness when needed, exerting firmness when required but always allowing their children to make mistakes so they could learn and grow. The parents I observed were actively involved with their childs development and were active participants in their life, being accountable parents and thus having children that would become accountable little people growing into accountable adults.
On the other scale, I saw parents that looked like deer-in-headlights, appearing like they didn't even have kids, allowing their kids to run around and disrupt other people. At times, it even seemed like the parents were in La-La-Land, head in the clouds, not giving a care that their kids fell, were about to run onto a busy street with oncoming cars, or were in need of anything. There was one incident that remains strong in my mind and to this day, still leaves me somewhat unnerved.
The incident that I'm referring was during the morning drop-off at our school. A mother sat down on the benches to wait until the school bell went. Her daughter, around the age of 8, decided to play with another girl that was on the slide set. At one point the girl began to punch and spit on this other little girl then proceeded to taunt her, calling her names, pushing her, shoving her. While all of this was going on, I stood there dumbfounded. Not wanting to overstep my boundaries, I went over to the mother and mentioned that her child was being aggressive and perhaps she needed to step in.
What I wanted to say was, "your kid is being a little shit and you don't seem to care, but you need to get involved before your kid rips off this other girls face with the barrage of punches, you shitty parent!"
However, my exterior frame remained calm, all the while inside I was seething. The woman sat there and as almost, in a daze, or a drugged state (who knows!) looked over at her child, took a deep breath and looked to me with shrugged shoulders, as if to say, "what am I supposed to do about it".
Fortunately, I had the sense to go over there on my own and break it up and then I proceeded to take the child to the on-duty teacher where they dealt with it.
But you see, that's my point! Parenting starts at home, with a parent that is actively engaged in their childs wellbeing. Not turing a blind-eye to behaviour and pretending that it's not there or relying on other people to "parent" you child.
Call me old-fashioned, even traditional, but I want my son to grow into a responsible adult, being accountable for his decisions, being kind and sensitive, not because he has to but because this is his innate nature to do so.
As a mother, I found a quote very relevant to me. If anyone has ever heard of the Enneagram, I'm a 2 on this scale. 2's are supermoms! We are rescuers, helpers, crazed multitaskers, no job too big or too small for us!
However, as a parent, if you are constantly running D for your kid then you are taking away their reasoning power, in fact, a rescuing parent is an enabler and that can come back to bite you hard! Kids need to make age-appropriate decisions, learn from their mistakes and I'm not talking about the ones that you point out to them. Being accountable for behaviours and actions are key and through experience, children will be able to figure this out but only if you let them fall.
As a 2 I'm often in default of not letting my kid fall but when I read this quote it helped me to become refocused and become a supportive, actively engaged mom and not a rescuer mom.
So, I would like to share this quote that I found by Abigail Van Buren:
"If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibilities on their shoulders."
Quote by Abigail Van Buren
Friday, June 13, 2008
Upcoming Surgery!
So, it's finally been decided, over many months of lamenting, my uterus is coming out! My emotions have run the gammet and the journey has been long.
One year ago, March, I found myself, surprisingly, in a bathroom at an Ottawa conference, writhing in pain from uterine contractions. The ebb and flow of the contractions came on so suddenly, within 15 minutes, I was rocking back and forth in my chair, receiving odd glares and stares from people. Most, I'm sure, thought that I must have missed my daily meds and some people began to slowly move their chairs away from my area - worried that whatever I had was catching!! I'm quite certain I saw fear in some people's eyes, probably because they knew I was close to vomitting and they definitely did NOT want to be a part of that. Regardless of whether it was their fear or mere concern, my behaviour was freakin' people out!
At first, I ignored that there was any issue and felt that it was probably just a one-off incident but when it became a monthly occurance I decided that it was time to investigage. Had I not had a child and not gone through the eleven hours of labour, I really would not have been able to identify or describe what was going on in my body. I had never experienced pain during my menstrual cycle before, oh sure, a little back ache now and again or a bit of leg discomfort but NEVER earth-shattering pain such as this. This is where Karma is a bitch!! For all my years I would roll my eyes when I heard a woman complain of menstrual pain.....clearly all she needed was to exercise more often....obviously "she" can not tolerate pain like the rest of us strong-willed individuals.
OKAY, so I am now being struck by lightening and getting my ass kicked 'cause CLEARLY these women were in terrible pain and I can not believe that this kind of pain existed outside of giving birth!! Well, this was an eye-opening experience. I called up every woman that I had invalidated their pain over the years and apologized and begged forgiveness. Most of them laughed because now they knew I was "gettin' it".
After being poked, prodded, scanned, rescanned, repoked and for fun, a bit more prodding, the doctors diagnosed me with Adenomyosis. This condition results from the lining cells of the uterus growing directly into the muscle wall of the uterus. When the lining cells of the uterus bleed at the time of the menstrual period, these misplaced cells in the muscle bleed as well. And bleeding directly into the muscle causes pain. As the blood accumulates, the surrounding muscle swells and forms fibrous tissue in response to the irritation. After a long debate of options, the only way that this issue can go away is by removing the uterus.
As you have read in my earlier entries the desire to have another child was quite strong and as a result of this diagnosis, this option was no longer available to me. I had been wavering between adoption and birthing my own child and I was strongly going for the latter. I was months lamenting over and mourning this loss. My mind was struggling between the practical application and logic of what had to be done and the emotionality of this loss. Even with these emotional struggles, the practical won out because the pain was becoming so debilitating that my quality of life was being compromised and my daily activities were no longer becoming enjoyable for me.
It was interesting to analyse my journey as it was very similar to that of being pregnant. I was so excited to be pregnant, revelling in all it's challenges and changes that were happening to my body and to my life but by the time 9 months came around I wanted this THING OVER!! No longer did I worry about how much pain I was going to endure during the labour, no longer did I care about feeling or being in a very undignified light during the labour - I just wanted this kid to come out and for this to be over with - I was done being pregnant!
Well, it has finally come to this! I want this uterus out! I want my life back and I want the pain to go away so that I can function like a normal human-being. I want to be able to exercise the way I used be able to - full out, hardcore stuff! I want to be able to play with my son and go biking and hiking and do all of the things that we used to do - I miss that part of my life so much. I miss being intimate with my partner - I want that part back too. No longer am I mourning for the loss of my uterus because I have already lost so much beautiful time with my family and I no longer wish for this to continue.
So, on June 23rd I will be going under the knife - eeks - scary to think it, even scarier to write it - but, I am not as scared as I once was. I am really looking forward to climbing over this mountain and coming down the other side - freedom!!
One year ago, March, I found myself, surprisingly, in a bathroom at an Ottawa conference, writhing in pain from uterine contractions. The ebb and flow of the contractions came on so suddenly, within 15 minutes, I was rocking back and forth in my chair, receiving odd glares and stares from people. Most, I'm sure, thought that I must have missed my daily meds and some people began to slowly move their chairs away from my area - worried that whatever I had was catching!! I'm quite certain I saw fear in some people's eyes, probably because they knew I was close to vomitting and they definitely did NOT want to be a part of that. Regardless of whether it was their fear or mere concern, my behaviour was freakin' people out!
At first, I ignored that there was any issue and felt that it was probably just a one-off incident but when it became a monthly occurance I decided that it was time to investigage. Had I not had a child and not gone through the eleven hours of labour, I really would not have been able to identify or describe what was going on in my body. I had never experienced pain during my menstrual cycle before, oh sure, a little back ache now and again or a bit of leg discomfort but NEVER earth-shattering pain such as this. This is where Karma is a bitch!! For all my years I would roll my eyes when I heard a woman complain of menstrual pain.....clearly all she needed was to exercise more often....obviously "she" can not tolerate pain like the rest of us strong-willed individuals.
OKAY, so I am now being struck by lightening and getting my ass kicked 'cause CLEARLY these women were in terrible pain and I can not believe that this kind of pain existed outside of giving birth!! Well, this was an eye-opening experience. I called up every woman that I had invalidated their pain over the years and apologized and begged forgiveness. Most of them laughed because now they knew I was "gettin' it".
After being poked, prodded, scanned, rescanned, repoked and for fun, a bit more prodding, the doctors diagnosed me with Adenomyosis. This condition results from the lining cells of the uterus growing directly into the muscle wall of the uterus. When the lining cells of the uterus bleed at the time of the menstrual period, these misplaced cells in the muscle bleed as well. And bleeding directly into the muscle causes pain. As the blood accumulates, the surrounding muscle swells and forms fibrous tissue in response to the irritation. After a long debate of options, the only way that this issue can go away is by removing the uterus.
As you have read in my earlier entries the desire to have another child was quite strong and as a result of this diagnosis, this option was no longer available to me. I had been wavering between adoption and birthing my own child and I was strongly going for the latter. I was months lamenting over and mourning this loss. My mind was struggling between the practical application and logic of what had to be done and the emotionality of this loss. Even with these emotional struggles, the practical won out because the pain was becoming so debilitating that my quality of life was being compromised and my daily activities were no longer becoming enjoyable for me.
It was interesting to analyse my journey as it was very similar to that of being pregnant. I was so excited to be pregnant, revelling in all it's challenges and changes that were happening to my body and to my life but by the time 9 months came around I wanted this THING OVER!! No longer did I worry about how much pain I was going to endure during the labour, no longer did I care about feeling or being in a very undignified light during the labour - I just wanted this kid to come out and for this to be over with - I was done being pregnant!
Well, it has finally come to this! I want this uterus out! I want my life back and I want the pain to go away so that I can function like a normal human-being. I want to be able to exercise the way I used be able to - full out, hardcore stuff! I want to be able to play with my son and go biking and hiking and do all of the things that we used to do - I miss that part of my life so much. I miss being intimate with my partner - I want that part back too. No longer am I mourning for the loss of my uterus because I have already lost so much beautiful time with my family and I no longer wish for this to continue.
So, on June 23rd I will be going under the knife - eeks - scary to think it, even scarier to write it - but, I am not as scared as I once was. I am really looking forward to climbing over this mountain and coming down the other side - freedom!!
Friday, September 7, 2007
A Mother's Love
For many years I entertained the idea of having another baby. I deliberated through all the factors, the pros and cons, the rights the wrongs of what is required by bringing a child into this world - especially alone! I have been divorced for almost 9 years and my "uterus time" is running out.
I had looked into sperm donation and adoption, both options not very appealing to me. The sperm banks were expensive, required hormone injections...ouch!!....and the whole system seemed a little suspect for me....are these people that are donating the sperm who they say they are...are they being truthful about their medical history....are they alcoholics or drug addicts....the list of concerns went on and on because it seemed that it was the donors word and how does one know that their word is the whole truth? Most of the sperm, at the time of my enquiry, was coming from the United States where people were getting paid to donate. These often were people looking for some extra cash so how do I know that they are being truthful about their life and their past?
The adoption was also a land mine that made me uneasy to traverse. Depending on what system you go with, the paid services or the public services, there are prickly issues no matter which one you decide to use. The paid services, are incredibly expensive and some of them are associated with underground black market babies and most adoptions require that you travel to the country where the child is from and even when you do find a match, there seems to be red tape at the border regarding immigration issues. I had one parent tell me of their horror story concerning the adoption of their child from Russia. They agency found a match, the parents travelled over to Russia, was required to stay there at least 2 weeks and then to find out that there were immigration problems and had to take the child back to the orphanage. Fortunately they had the financial resources to continue to stay in Russia until all the black tape was unravelled and they could bring their child home - that was over a month of long emotionally wrenching days, nail-biting times of not knowing if this child that they instantly fell in love with would ever be able to come home with them.
The public agencies also have their own problems. The law in Ontario allows the biological parent(s) to have a 90 day window to decide whether they want to keep the child or continue on with the adoption. A very close friend of mine adopted a baby from the Indian Reserves close to their home. Their idea being that they could keep the child close to Native heritage and the child's community so that the child's identity and culture would remain as close to the child's background as much as possible. However, on the 89th day the mother decided she wanted the baby back - imagine the emotional devastation - my friend totally fell in love with this baby, only to be taken away on the 89th day of the child's stay in their loving home. The tension and strain on the marriage took it's toll and this experience left them exhausted and soon divorced a few years later. I can't imagine someone coming to take my child away from me - I had a hard enough time leaving my child at daycare when he was 6 months old!!! I still have separation anxiety when he goes on vacation with his dad for a week or goes away to camp - and he's 8 now!!
Along with the political issues that these systems require each applicant to endure, there's the the lack of knowledge of the child's background. Were they abused, was the biological mother a drug user, is there alcoholism in the family, are there heart conditions, stroke....the list of concerns and unanswered questions go on. Sometimes you can get lucky, a mom and dad put their child up for adoption due to the realization that there's a huge life ahead of them and somewhere along the line they had an "oops!" and along comes baby, they're in there late teens or early 20's and they only want the best for their child. These are the types of babies that go like hot-cakes. Chances are these are open adoptions and the child is loved and adored by both set of parents, adoptive and biological - what a wonderful life for the child - to be loved and adored by so many.
My room-mate is the recipient of such love. She was adopted when she was a baby and found her birth family in her early 20's. Both families absolutely adore her - there's no tension between the families, only total love and acceptance. When I heard this story I thought that she was the luckiest gal in the world!! Her biological mom was 15 and had an "oops!" with her boyfriend, lived in northern Ontario, was a highschool dropout but a good kid all around and new that she would not be able to raise this child the way should would want to. To this day, my room-mate's mom tells of the heart-wrenching decision but in the end, knew that it was in her daughter's best interest to be with a family that could provide her the opportunities of life that she would not be able to.
So this brings me to my fabulous cousin that is in the throws of adopting her second child through an agency in China. She has been waiting for this baby for over a year. Yesterday she finally got the call - the referral went through and in a few weeks they are off to travel to China to receive this baby - how wonderful is that!! When I heard the news I started to cry! I no nothing of this baby - I haven't even seen the pictures of this wonderful bundle of joy BUT the announcement was equivalent to that of being in the labour room and hearing the cries as the child announces itself to the world. I was absolutely astonished and amazed at my reaction to my cousins news - I always wondered if it was possible to still "love" the same way as a parent that physically carries the child and labours through to the end. I know that I could still "love" an adoptive child but what kind of love would that be. My question was answered yesterday as my reaction was a testament to the kind of love that a mother has for her children, born to her or not!
Congratulations my wonderful cousin on your new bundle of joy! I will celebrate this announcement with as many people that will listen to my tale. You have given me a renewed sense of hope - adoption is just a phone call away and I'm picking up the phone right now!
I had looked into sperm donation and adoption, both options not very appealing to me. The sperm banks were expensive, required hormone injections...ouch!!....and the whole system seemed a little suspect for me....are these people that are donating the sperm who they say they are...are they being truthful about their medical history....are they alcoholics or drug addicts....the list of concerns went on and on because it seemed that it was the donors word and how does one know that their word is the whole truth? Most of the sperm, at the time of my enquiry, was coming from the United States where people were getting paid to donate. These often were people looking for some extra cash so how do I know that they are being truthful about their life and their past?
The adoption was also a land mine that made me uneasy to traverse. Depending on what system you go with, the paid services or the public services, there are prickly issues no matter which one you decide to use. The paid services, are incredibly expensive and some of them are associated with underground black market babies and most adoptions require that you travel to the country where the child is from and even when you do find a match, there seems to be red tape at the border regarding immigration issues. I had one parent tell me of their horror story concerning the adoption of their child from Russia. They agency found a match, the parents travelled over to Russia, was required to stay there at least 2 weeks and then to find out that there were immigration problems and had to take the child back to the orphanage. Fortunately they had the financial resources to continue to stay in Russia until all the black tape was unravelled and they could bring their child home - that was over a month of long emotionally wrenching days, nail-biting times of not knowing if this child that they instantly fell in love with would ever be able to come home with them.
The public agencies also have their own problems. The law in Ontario allows the biological parent(s) to have a 90 day window to decide whether they want to keep the child or continue on with the adoption. A very close friend of mine adopted a baby from the Indian Reserves close to their home. Their idea being that they could keep the child close to Native heritage and the child's community so that the child's identity and culture would remain as close to the child's background as much as possible. However, on the 89th day the mother decided she wanted the baby back - imagine the emotional devastation - my friend totally fell in love with this baby, only to be taken away on the 89th day of the child's stay in their loving home. The tension and strain on the marriage took it's toll and this experience left them exhausted and soon divorced a few years later. I can't imagine someone coming to take my child away from me - I had a hard enough time leaving my child at daycare when he was 6 months old!!! I still have separation anxiety when he goes on vacation with his dad for a week or goes away to camp - and he's 8 now!!
Along with the political issues that these systems require each applicant to endure, there's the the lack of knowledge of the child's background. Were they abused, was the biological mother a drug user, is there alcoholism in the family, are there heart conditions, stroke....the list of concerns and unanswered questions go on. Sometimes you can get lucky, a mom and dad put their child up for adoption due to the realization that there's a huge life ahead of them and somewhere along the line they had an "oops!" and along comes baby, they're in there late teens or early 20's and they only want the best for their child. These are the types of babies that go like hot-cakes. Chances are these are open adoptions and the child is loved and adored by both set of parents, adoptive and biological - what a wonderful life for the child - to be loved and adored by so many.
My room-mate is the recipient of such love. She was adopted when she was a baby and found her birth family in her early 20's. Both families absolutely adore her - there's no tension between the families, only total love and acceptance. When I heard this story I thought that she was the luckiest gal in the world!! Her biological mom was 15 and had an "oops!" with her boyfriend, lived in northern Ontario, was a highschool dropout but a good kid all around and new that she would not be able to raise this child the way should would want to. To this day, my room-mate's mom tells of the heart-wrenching decision but in the end, knew that it was in her daughter's best interest to be with a family that could provide her the opportunities of life that she would not be able to.
So this brings me to my fabulous cousin that is in the throws of adopting her second child through an agency in China. She has been waiting for this baby for over a year. Yesterday she finally got the call - the referral went through and in a few weeks they are off to travel to China to receive this baby - how wonderful is that!! When I heard the news I started to cry! I no nothing of this baby - I haven't even seen the pictures of this wonderful bundle of joy BUT the announcement was equivalent to that of being in the labour room and hearing the cries as the child announces itself to the world. I was absolutely astonished and amazed at my reaction to my cousins news - I always wondered if it was possible to still "love" the same way as a parent that physically carries the child and labours through to the end. I know that I could still "love" an adoptive child but what kind of love would that be. My question was answered yesterday as my reaction was a testament to the kind of love that a mother has for her children, born to her or not!
Congratulations my wonderful cousin on your new bundle of joy! I will celebrate this announcement with as many people that will listen to my tale. You have given me a renewed sense of hope - adoption is just a phone call away and I'm picking up the phone right now!
Thursday, September 6, 2007
The Second Day!
Has this happened to you - you open your child's lunch box to discover the lunch that you had carefully prepared was hardly touched? I shouldn't have spun out but I did - why - 'cause I'm frustrated.
I know that my kid chats chats chats and before you know it the 15 minute lunch hour is over HOWEVER...I know my kid and he gets migraines if he doesn't eat and by mid-afternoon grows very lethargic and tires easily, he gets irritable, cranky and has difficulty making wises decisions and it doesn't stop there, it overflows into his evening because he comes home cranky and at night, although exhausted, has trouble falling asleep - why, because his system is off because he's missed a meal!! - as we all do when we miss meals. Plus, this discovery of the full lunch box also triggers that button inside that says, "I fly around the night before and frantically flit around the morning of to get things in order so that everyone can get out the door seamlessly....FOR WHAT!!"
So picture this, and it will be easy to do because we all do it....the morning of rushing to get the family breakfast on the table, the lunches packed, the 3 showers to take place, the questions to answer, the school papers that your child said weren't in his knapsack only to be discovered 5 minutes before you leave as you place the last minute items in his bag.....and on and on!! And then my room-mate not only wonders why I lost a gasket but, in addition, is saddened and concerned of my outburst with my discovery of the full lunch box - oh, but did I mention the chocolate covered granola bars were eaten and two bites of fruit!!! That will definitely hold you over 'till dinner - NOT!!
I'm not saying that I'm perfect, hardly even close and quite frankly, as a mother, I put myself under a great deal of my own scrutiny, am probably my biggest critic and feel like an absolute sham as a mother when I loose it over a full lunch pail and I don't need it pointed out by a non-parent, someone who doesn't have to worry, negotiate, choreograph and schedule and reschedule on a minute to minute basis with schedules of my room-mate, the ex-husband's and the child's....I am in scheduling hell somedays - but do I complain or is my schedule or needs addressed? - what do you think?? Does this bother me - no, actually, it doesn't - why - because, for the most part, it's nice to be needed but when people take what you do for granted or place little importance on the emotional impact that all this creates on one persons mind and spirit - than yes, I get a little touchy.
The deeper issue is my guilt about putting him in a school system that he obviously is not thriving in - a child should be able to chat during his lunch - doesn't this promote good digestion and social development? Isn't that the reason why people enrol their children in school - for the social aspect? I hear it all the time. Homeschooling is out they say - how would they ever learn how to socialize? Oh, you mean homeschooled children don't live in a vacuum and you actually let them out of the house to talk to other people!!! PLEASE!!! Give me proof that sending children to school increases their "social" skills. I know lots of people that are socially inept but they went to school - explain that?? He should be able to take his time and not have to shove his meal into him and be thrust out the door. This is about a mother that only wants the best for her child and feels that she is not doing her job - failing at giving her son the opportunities that he deserves. As parents we all do the best we can given the tools at hand but that doesn't stop us from wishing or hoping that we could give more to our children, more opportunities, more of our time, less stressors.....more time to explore the world in a safe and happy environment...we all try as parents but this parent feels totally boxed in - struggling between what she feels is necessary for her child to thrive in this world and what the ex-husband will allow to be done....it's hard when two parents have two entirely different parenting styles and takes on life - I keep telling myself, I'm doing the best that I can under the circumstances but my guilt still remains.
So, I cuddled my little cherub, brushed the tears from his face and apologized for my outburst. I told him all the little things that caused me to do this - my worries of him not eating - wanting him to be a happy boy, not wanting him to struggle through his day and so on. The world of make-believe is wonderful, I read him a few books, we giggled through some of the story lines and in the end, was so thankful that the universe presented me with this lovely child of mine...as we snuggled, his warm hand touched my cheek, my arms circled his little 8 year old body, we smiled to each other - everything was right with the world - forgiveness has a wonderful way of presenting itself through an 8 year old boys eyes - it's a kind of communication that fills your heart and provides wordless approval that as a parent you are doing the best that you can, that as long as you love, show you love, show that you love no matter what, form no judgment on your child's character, love them for them, for the untouched lunch boxes, than you know that as a parent, you're doing everything you can and they love you for it.
So, I look upon this second day as a lesson, one to improve upon, one to cherish, because a moment like this will not come again.
I know that my kid chats chats chats and before you know it the 15 minute lunch hour is over HOWEVER...I know my kid and he gets migraines if he doesn't eat and by mid-afternoon grows very lethargic and tires easily, he gets irritable, cranky and has difficulty making wises decisions and it doesn't stop there, it overflows into his evening because he comes home cranky and at night, although exhausted, has trouble falling asleep - why, because his system is off because he's missed a meal!! - as we all do when we miss meals. Plus, this discovery of the full lunch box also triggers that button inside that says, "I fly around the night before and frantically flit around the morning of to get things in order so that everyone can get out the door seamlessly....FOR WHAT!!"
So picture this, and it will be easy to do because we all do it....the morning of rushing to get the family breakfast on the table, the lunches packed, the 3 showers to take place, the questions to answer, the school papers that your child said weren't in his knapsack only to be discovered 5 minutes before you leave as you place the last minute items in his bag.....and on and on!! And then my room-mate not only wonders why I lost a gasket but, in addition, is saddened and concerned of my outburst with my discovery of the full lunch box - oh, but did I mention the chocolate covered granola bars were eaten and two bites of fruit!!! That will definitely hold you over 'till dinner - NOT!!
I'm not saying that I'm perfect, hardly even close and quite frankly, as a mother, I put myself under a great deal of my own scrutiny, am probably my biggest critic and feel like an absolute sham as a mother when I loose it over a full lunch pail and I don't need it pointed out by a non-parent, someone who doesn't have to worry, negotiate, choreograph and schedule and reschedule on a minute to minute basis with schedules of my room-mate, the ex-husband's and the child's....I am in scheduling hell somedays - but do I complain or is my schedule or needs addressed? - what do you think?? Does this bother me - no, actually, it doesn't - why - because, for the most part, it's nice to be needed but when people take what you do for granted or place little importance on the emotional impact that all this creates on one persons mind and spirit - than yes, I get a little touchy.
The deeper issue is my guilt about putting him in a school system that he obviously is not thriving in - a child should be able to chat during his lunch - doesn't this promote good digestion and social development? Isn't that the reason why people enrol their children in school - for the social aspect? I hear it all the time. Homeschooling is out they say - how would they ever learn how to socialize? Oh, you mean homeschooled children don't live in a vacuum and you actually let them out of the house to talk to other people!!! PLEASE!!! Give me proof that sending children to school increases their "social" skills. I know lots of people that are socially inept but they went to school - explain that?? He should be able to take his time and not have to shove his meal into him and be thrust out the door. This is about a mother that only wants the best for her child and feels that she is not doing her job - failing at giving her son the opportunities that he deserves. As parents we all do the best we can given the tools at hand but that doesn't stop us from wishing or hoping that we could give more to our children, more opportunities, more of our time, less stressors.....more time to explore the world in a safe and happy environment...we all try as parents but this parent feels totally boxed in - struggling between what she feels is necessary for her child to thrive in this world and what the ex-husband will allow to be done....it's hard when two parents have two entirely different parenting styles and takes on life - I keep telling myself, I'm doing the best that I can under the circumstances but my guilt still remains.
So, I cuddled my little cherub, brushed the tears from his face and apologized for my outburst. I told him all the little things that caused me to do this - my worries of him not eating - wanting him to be a happy boy, not wanting him to struggle through his day and so on. The world of make-believe is wonderful, I read him a few books, we giggled through some of the story lines and in the end, was so thankful that the universe presented me with this lovely child of mine...as we snuggled, his warm hand touched my cheek, my arms circled his little 8 year old body, we smiled to each other - everything was right with the world - forgiveness has a wonderful way of presenting itself through an 8 year old boys eyes - it's a kind of communication that fills your heart and provides wordless approval that as a parent you are doing the best that you can, that as long as you love, show you love, show that you love no matter what, form no judgment on your child's character, love them for them, for the untouched lunch boxes, than you know that as a parent, you're doing everything you can and they love you for it.
So, I look upon this second day as a lesson, one to improve upon, one to cherish, because a moment like this will not come again.
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
School day jitters!
Yesterday, my 8 year old cherub went off to school - he, glowing with excitement to see his friends - I, with a heavy heart and worry of what's to come. He's a smart boy but I don't think the public school system is for him and I worry that he will fall through the cracks of the educational system thereby not reaching his true potential. This year my son entered grade 3. The dreaded EQAO test is on the table for this year - I am going to do some research to see if this test is mandatory. I don't want him to have to go through the angst of having to write a test that he won't benefit from - is it not a system set up for someone else's accomplishments, that being the public school rating system? How does writing this test benefit my son?
I have been wracking my brain for ways that I may be able to stay home and homeschool my boy. He would be a perfect candidate for this type of hands-on learning. I feel like time is running out and that if I don't jump on that wagon soon I will miss my opportunity to homeschool. Presently, "mommy" is still cool to be around, there's still lots of hugs and kisses and snuggles but from what I hear of other parents, this too will change. Although, I keep telling myself that our family is different - we are the family that plays together, works together and therefore stays together. Right now my son desires to be with us and enjoys fully engaging himself in every opportunity that comes into our home, from vacuuming the floor to putting a puzzle together to pulling weeds from our garden - will there come a time when he thinks this is all to "close" for him to endure? What is that "magic" age where your child comes to you and proclaims that he doesn't want to come on that family RV vacation? Does that happen only to families who don't really value time together - I don't know - but it's something that I am concerned about.
Fortunately, we have always encouraged open discussions and we dialogue constantly on a variety of topics, thereby encouraging communication. So far, life is grand in our little home and I can only do the best that I can but these are the little nagging fears that appear in my dreams and my thoughts every so often and of course, every day that he gets older, these thoughts grow baby thoughts and before you know it - wham - I have a full head of thoughts and worries that haven't even happened yet!! Well, that's how my brain works - always thinking - like a chess game - trying to protect my family and keep what is precious and good close to my chest.
It's the second day of school today - so stay tuned for more thoughts on the subject!
I have been wracking my brain for ways that I may be able to stay home and homeschool my boy. He would be a perfect candidate for this type of hands-on learning. I feel like time is running out and that if I don't jump on that wagon soon I will miss my opportunity to homeschool. Presently, "mommy" is still cool to be around, there's still lots of hugs and kisses and snuggles but from what I hear of other parents, this too will change. Although, I keep telling myself that our family is different - we are the family that plays together, works together and therefore stays together. Right now my son desires to be with us and enjoys fully engaging himself in every opportunity that comes into our home, from vacuuming the floor to putting a puzzle together to pulling weeds from our garden - will there come a time when he thinks this is all to "close" for him to endure? What is that "magic" age where your child comes to you and proclaims that he doesn't want to come on that family RV vacation? Does that happen only to families who don't really value time together - I don't know - but it's something that I am concerned about.
Fortunately, we have always encouraged open discussions and we dialogue constantly on a variety of topics, thereby encouraging communication. So far, life is grand in our little home and I can only do the best that I can but these are the little nagging fears that appear in my dreams and my thoughts every so often and of course, every day that he gets older, these thoughts grow baby thoughts and before you know it - wham - I have a full head of thoughts and worries that haven't even happened yet!! Well, that's how my brain works - always thinking - like a chess game - trying to protect my family and keep what is precious and good close to my chest.
It's the second day of school today - so stay tuned for more thoughts on the subject!
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