For many years I entertained the idea of having another baby. I deliberated through all the factors, the pros and cons, the rights the wrongs of what is required by bringing a child into this world - especially alone! I have been divorced for almost 9 years and my "uterus time" is running out.
I had looked into sperm donation and adoption, both options not very appealing to me. The sperm banks were expensive, required hormone injections...ouch!!....and the whole system seemed a little suspect for me....are these people that are donating the sperm who they say they are...are they being truthful about their medical history....are they alcoholics or drug addicts....the list of concerns went on and on because it seemed that it was the donors word and how does one know that their word is the whole truth? Most of the sperm, at the time of my enquiry, was coming from the United States where people were getting paid to donate. These often were people looking for some extra cash so how do I know that they are being truthful about their life and their past?
The adoption was also a land mine that made me uneasy to traverse. Depending on what system you go with, the paid services or the public services, there are prickly issues no matter which one you decide to use. The paid services, are incredibly expensive and some of them are associated with underground black market babies and most adoptions require that you travel to the country where the child is from and even when you do find a match, there seems to be red tape at the border regarding immigration issues. I had one parent tell me of their horror story concerning the adoption of their child from Russia. They agency found a match, the parents travelled over to Russia, was required to stay there at least 2 weeks and then to find out that there were immigration problems and had to take the child back to the orphanage. Fortunately they had the financial resources to continue to stay in Russia until all the black tape was unravelled and they could bring their child home - that was over a month of long emotionally wrenching days, nail-biting times of not knowing if this child that they instantly fell in love with would ever be able to come home with them.
The public agencies also have their own problems. The law in Ontario allows the biological parent(s) to have a 90 day window to decide whether they want to keep the child or continue on with the adoption. A very close friend of mine adopted a baby from the Indian Reserves close to their home. Their idea being that they could keep the child close to Native heritage and the child's community so that the child's identity and culture would remain as close to the child's background as much as possible. However, on the 89th day the mother decided she wanted the baby back - imagine the emotional devastation - my friend totally fell in love with this baby, only to be taken away on the 89th day of the child's stay in their loving home. The tension and strain on the marriage took it's toll and this experience left them exhausted and soon divorced a few years later. I can't imagine someone coming to take my child away from me - I had a hard enough time leaving my child at daycare when he was 6 months old!!! I still have separation anxiety when he goes on vacation with his dad for a week or goes away to camp - and he's 8 now!!
Along with the political issues that these systems require each applicant to endure, there's the the lack of knowledge of the child's background. Were they abused, was the biological mother a drug user, is there alcoholism in the family, are there heart conditions, stroke....the list of concerns and unanswered questions go on. Sometimes you can get lucky, a mom and dad put their child up for adoption due to the realization that there's a huge life ahead of them and somewhere along the line they had an "oops!" and along comes baby, they're in there late teens or early 20's and they only want the best for their child. These are the types of babies that go like hot-cakes. Chances are these are open adoptions and the child is loved and adored by both set of parents, adoptive and biological - what a wonderful life for the child - to be loved and adored by so many.
My room-mate is the recipient of such love. She was adopted when she was a baby and found her birth family in her early 20's. Both families absolutely adore her - there's no tension between the families, only total love and acceptance. When I heard this story I thought that she was the luckiest gal in the world!! Her biological mom was 15 and had an "oops!" with her boyfriend, lived in northern Ontario, was a highschool dropout but a good kid all around and new that she would not be able to raise this child the way should would want to. To this day, my room-mate's mom tells of the heart-wrenching decision but in the end, knew that it was in her daughter's best interest to be with a family that could provide her the opportunities of life that she would not be able to.
So this brings me to my fabulous cousin that is in the throws of adopting her second child through an agency in China. She has been waiting for this baby for over a year. Yesterday she finally got the call - the referral went through and in a few weeks they are off to travel to China to receive this baby - how wonderful is that!! When I heard the news I started to cry! I no nothing of this baby - I haven't even seen the pictures of this wonderful bundle of joy BUT the announcement was equivalent to that of being in the labour room and hearing the cries as the child announces itself to the world. I was absolutely astonished and amazed at my reaction to my cousins news - I always wondered if it was possible to still "love" the same way as a parent that physically carries the child and labours through to the end. I know that I could still "love" an adoptive child but what kind of love would that be. My question was answered yesterday as my reaction was a testament to the kind of love that a mother has for her children, born to her or not!
Congratulations my wonderful cousin on your new bundle of joy! I will celebrate this announcement with as many people that will listen to my tale. You have given me a renewed sense of hope - adoption is just a phone call away and I'm picking up the phone right now!
Friday, September 7, 2007
Thursday, September 6, 2007
The Second Day!
Has this happened to you - you open your child's lunch box to discover the lunch that you had carefully prepared was hardly touched? I shouldn't have spun out but I did - why - 'cause I'm frustrated.
I know that my kid chats chats chats and before you know it the 15 minute lunch hour is over HOWEVER...I know my kid and he gets migraines if he doesn't eat and by mid-afternoon grows very lethargic and tires easily, he gets irritable, cranky and has difficulty making wises decisions and it doesn't stop there, it overflows into his evening because he comes home cranky and at night, although exhausted, has trouble falling asleep - why, because his system is off because he's missed a meal!! - as we all do when we miss meals. Plus, this discovery of the full lunch box also triggers that button inside that says, "I fly around the night before and frantically flit around the morning of to get things in order so that everyone can get out the door seamlessly....FOR WHAT!!"
So picture this, and it will be easy to do because we all do it....the morning of rushing to get the family breakfast on the table, the lunches packed, the 3 showers to take place, the questions to answer, the school papers that your child said weren't in his knapsack only to be discovered 5 minutes before you leave as you place the last minute items in his bag.....and on and on!! And then my room-mate not only wonders why I lost a gasket but, in addition, is saddened and concerned of my outburst with my discovery of the full lunch box - oh, but did I mention the chocolate covered granola bars were eaten and two bites of fruit!!! That will definitely hold you over 'till dinner - NOT!!
I'm not saying that I'm perfect, hardly even close and quite frankly, as a mother, I put myself under a great deal of my own scrutiny, am probably my biggest critic and feel like an absolute sham as a mother when I loose it over a full lunch pail and I don't need it pointed out by a non-parent, someone who doesn't have to worry, negotiate, choreograph and schedule and reschedule on a minute to minute basis with schedules of my room-mate, the ex-husband's and the child's....I am in scheduling hell somedays - but do I complain or is my schedule or needs addressed? - what do you think?? Does this bother me - no, actually, it doesn't - why - because, for the most part, it's nice to be needed but when people take what you do for granted or place little importance on the emotional impact that all this creates on one persons mind and spirit - than yes, I get a little touchy.
The deeper issue is my guilt about putting him in a school system that he obviously is not thriving in - a child should be able to chat during his lunch - doesn't this promote good digestion and social development? Isn't that the reason why people enrol their children in school - for the social aspect? I hear it all the time. Homeschooling is out they say - how would they ever learn how to socialize? Oh, you mean homeschooled children don't live in a vacuum and you actually let them out of the house to talk to other people!!! PLEASE!!! Give me proof that sending children to school increases their "social" skills. I know lots of people that are socially inept but they went to school - explain that?? He should be able to take his time and not have to shove his meal into him and be thrust out the door. This is about a mother that only wants the best for her child and feels that she is not doing her job - failing at giving her son the opportunities that he deserves. As parents we all do the best we can given the tools at hand but that doesn't stop us from wishing or hoping that we could give more to our children, more opportunities, more of our time, less stressors.....more time to explore the world in a safe and happy environment...we all try as parents but this parent feels totally boxed in - struggling between what she feels is necessary for her child to thrive in this world and what the ex-husband will allow to be done....it's hard when two parents have two entirely different parenting styles and takes on life - I keep telling myself, I'm doing the best that I can under the circumstances but my guilt still remains.
So, I cuddled my little cherub, brushed the tears from his face and apologized for my outburst. I told him all the little things that caused me to do this - my worries of him not eating - wanting him to be a happy boy, not wanting him to struggle through his day and so on. The world of make-believe is wonderful, I read him a few books, we giggled through some of the story lines and in the end, was so thankful that the universe presented me with this lovely child of mine...as we snuggled, his warm hand touched my cheek, my arms circled his little 8 year old body, we smiled to each other - everything was right with the world - forgiveness has a wonderful way of presenting itself through an 8 year old boys eyes - it's a kind of communication that fills your heart and provides wordless approval that as a parent you are doing the best that you can, that as long as you love, show you love, show that you love no matter what, form no judgment on your child's character, love them for them, for the untouched lunch boxes, than you know that as a parent, you're doing everything you can and they love you for it.
So, I look upon this second day as a lesson, one to improve upon, one to cherish, because a moment like this will not come again.
I know that my kid chats chats chats and before you know it the 15 minute lunch hour is over HOWEVER...I know my kid and he gets migraines if he doesn't eat and by mid-afternoon grows very lethargic and tires easily, he gets irritable, cranky and has difficulty making wises decisions and it doesn't stop there, it overflows into his evening because he comes home cranky and at night, although exhausted, has trouble falling asleep - why, because his system is off because he's missed a meal!! - as we all do when we miss meals. Plus, this discovery of the full lunch box also triggers that button inside that says, "I fly around the night before and frantically flit around the morning of to get things in order so that everyone can get out the door seamlessly....FOR WHAT!!"
So picture this, and it will be easy to do because we all do it....the morning of rushing to get the family breakfast on the table, the lunches packed, the 3 showers to take place, the questions to answer, the school papers that your child said weren't in his knapsack only to be discovered 5 minutes before you leave as you place the last minute items in his bag.....and on and on!! And then my room-mate not only wonders why I lost a gasket but, in addition, is saddened and concerned of my outburst with my discovery of the full lunch box - oh, but did I mention the chocolate covered granola bars were eaten and two bites of fruit!!! That will definitely hold you over 'till dinner - NOT!!
I'm not saying that I'm perfect, hardly even close and quite frankly, as a mother, I put myself under a great deal of my own scrutiny, am probably my biggest critic and feel like an absolute sham as a mother when I loose it over a full lunch pail and I don't need it pointed out by a non-parent, someone who doesn't have to worry, negotiate, choreograph and schedule and reschedule on a minute to minute basis with schedules of my room-mate, the ex-husband's and the child's....I am in scheduling hell somedays - but do I complain or is my schedule or needs addressed? - what do you think?? Does this bother me - no, actually, it doesn't - why - because, for the most part, it's nice to be needed but when people take what you do for granted or place little importance on the emotional impact that all this creates on one persons mind and spirit - than yes, I get a little touchy.
The deeper issue is my guilt about putting him in a school system that he obviously is not thriving in - a child should be able to chat during his lunch - doesn't this promote good digestion and social development? Isn't that the reason why people enrol their children in school - for the social aspect? I hear it all the time. Homeschooling is out they say - how would they ever learn how to socialize? Oh, you mean homeschooled children don't live in a vacuum and you actually let them out of the house to talk to other people!!! PLEASE!!! Give me proof that sending children to school increases their "social" skills. I know lots of people that are socially inept but they went to school - explain that?? He should be able to take his time and not have to shove his meal into him and be thrust out the door. This is about a mother that only wants the best for her child and feels that she is not doing her job - failing at giving her son the opportunities that he deserves. As parents we all do the best we can given the tools at hand but that doesn't stop us from wishing or hoping that we could give more to our children, more opportunities, more of our time, less stressors.....more time to explore the world in a safe and happy environment...we all try as parents but this parent feels totally boxed in - struggling between what she feels is necessary for her child to thrive in this world and what the ex-husband will allow to be done....it's hard when two parents have two entirely different parenting styles and takes on life - I keep telling myself, I'm doing the best that I can under the circumstances but my guilt still remains.
So, I cuddled my little cherub, brushed the tears from his face and apologized for my outburst. I told him all the little things that caused me to do this - my worries of him not eating - wanting him to be a happy boy, not wanting him to struggle through his day and so on. The world of make-believe is wonderful, I read him a few books, we giggled through some of the story lines and in the end, was so thankful that the universe presented me with this lovely child of mine...as we snuggled, his warm hand touched my cheek, my arms circled his little 8 year old body, we smiled to each other - everything was right with the world - forgiveness has a wonderful way of presenting itself through an 8 year old boys eyes - it's a kind of communication that fills your heart and provides wordless approval that as a parent you are doing the best that you can, that as long as you love, show you love, show that you love no matter what, form no judgment on your child's character, love them for them, for the untouched lunch boxes, than you know that as a parent, you're doing everything you can and they love you for it.
So, I look upon this second day as a lesson, one to improve upon, one to cherish, because a moment like this will not come again.
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
School day jitters!
Yesterday, my 8 year old cherub went off to school - he, glowing with excitement to see his friends - I, with a heavy heart and worry of what's to come. He's a smart boy but I don't think the public school system is for him and I worry that he will fall through the cracks of the educational system thereby not reaching his true potential. This year my son entered grade 3. The dreaded EQAO test is on the table for this year - I am going to do some research to see if this test is mandatory. I don't want him to have to go through the angst of having to write a test that he won't benefit from - is it not a system set up for someone else's accomplishments, that being the public school rating system? How does writing this test benefit my son?
I have been wracking my brain for ways that I may be able to stay home and homeschool my boy. He would be a perfect candidate for this type of hands-on learning. I feel like time is running out and that if I don't jump on that wagon soon I will miss my opportunity to homeschool. Presently, "mommy" is still cool to be around, there's still lots of hugs and kisses and snuggles but from what I hear of other parents, this too will change. Although, I keep telling myself that our family is different - we are the family that plays together, works together and therefore stays together. Right now my son desires to be with us and enjoys fully engaging himself in every opportunity that comes into our home, from vacuuming the floor to putting a puzzle together to pulling weeds from our garden - will there come a time when he thinks this is all to "close" for him to endure? What is that "magic" age where your child comes to you and proclaims that he doesn't want to come on that family RV vacation? Does that happen only to families who don't really value time together - I don't know - but it's something that I am concerned about.
Fortunately, we have always encouraged open discussions and we dialogue constantly on a variety of topics, thereby encouraging communication. So far, life is grand in our little home and I can only do the best that I can but these are the little nagging fears that appear in my dreams and my thoughts every so often and of course, every day that he gets older, these thoughts grow baby thoughts and before you know it - wham - I have a full head of thoughts and worries that haven't even happened yet!! Well, that's how my brain works - always thinking - like a chess game - trying to protect my family and keep what is precious and good close to my chest.
It's the second day of school today - so stay tuned for more thoughts on the subject!
I have been wracking my brain for ways that I may be able to stay home and homeschool my boy. He would be a perfect candidate for this type of hands-on learning. I feel like time is running out and that if I don't jump on that wagon soon I will miss my opportunity to homeschool. Presently, "mommy" is still cool to be around, there's still lots of hugs and kisses and snuggles but from what I hear of other parents, this too will change. Although, I keep telling myself that our family is different - we are the family that plays together, works together and therefore stays together. Right now my son desires to be with us and enjoys fully engaging himself in every opportunity that comes into our home, from vacuuming the floor to putting a puzzle together to pulling weeds from our garden - will there come a time when he thinks this is all to "close" for him to endure? What is that "magic" age where your child comes to you and proclaims that he doesn't want to come on that family RV vacation? Does that happen only to families who don't really value time together - I don't know - but it's something that I am concerned about.
Fortunately, we have always encouraged open discussions and we dialogue constantly on a variety of topics, thereby encouraging communication. So far, life is grand in our little home and I can only do the best that I can but these are the little nagging fears that appear in my dreams and my thoughts every so often and of course, every day that he gets older, these thoughts grow baby thoughts and before you know it - wham - I have a full head of thoughts and worries that haven't even happened yet!! Well, that's how my brain works - always thinking - like a chess game - trying to protect my family and keep what is precious and good close to my chest.
It's the second day of school today - so stay tuned for more thoughts on the subject!
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