A Mother's Love

For many years I entertained the idea of having another baby. I deliberated through all the factors, the pros and cons, the rights the wrongs of what is required by bringing a child into this world - especially alone! I have been divorced for almost 9 years and my "uterus time" is running out.

I had looked into sperm donation and adoption, both options not very appealing to me. The sperm banks were expensive, required hormone injections...ouch!!....and the whole system seemed a little suspect for me....are these people that are donating the sperm who they say they are...are they being truthful about their medical history....are they alcoholics or drug addicts....the list of concerns went on and on because it seemed that it was the donors word and how does one know that their word is the whole truth? Most of the sperm, at the time of my enquiry, was coming from the United States where people were getting paid to donate. These often were people looking for some extra cash so how do I know that they are being truthful about their life and their past?

The adoption was also a land mine that made me uneasy to traverse. Depending on what system you go with, the paid services or the public services, there are prickly issues no matter which one you decide to use. The paid services, are incredibly expensive and some of them are associated with underground black market babies and most adoptions require that you travel to the country where the child is from and even when you do find a match, there seems to be red tape at the border regarding immigration issues. I had one parent tell me of their horror story concerning the adoption of their child from Russia. They agency found a match, the parents travelled over to Russia, was required to stay there at least 2 weeks and then to find out that there were immigration problems and had to take the child back to the orphanage. Fortunately they had the financial resources to continue to stay in Russia until all the black tape was unravelled and they could bring their child home - that was over a month of long emotionally wrenching days, nail-biting times of not knowing if this child that they instantly fell in love with would ever be able to come home with them.

The public agencies also have their own problems. The law in Ontario allows the biological parent(s) to have a 90 day window to decide whether they want to keep the child or continue on with the adoption. A very close friend of mine adopted a baby from the Indian Reserves close to their home. Their idea being that they could keep the child close to Native heritage and the child's community so that the child's identity and culture would remain as close to the child's background as much as possible. However, on the 89th day the mother decided she wanted the baby back - imagine the emotional devastation - my friend totally fell in love with this baby, only to be taken away on the 89th day of the child's stay in their loving home. The tension and strain on the marriage took it's toll and this experience left them exhausted and soon divorced a few years later. I can't imagine someone coming to take my child away from me - I had a hard enough time leaving my child at daycare when he was 6 months old!!! I still have separation anxiety when he goes on vacation with his dad for a week or goes away to camp - and he's 8 now!!

Along with the political issues that these systems require each applicant to endure, there's the the lack of knowledge of the child's background. Were they abused, was the biological mother a drug user, is there alcoholism in the family, are there heart conditions, stroke....the list of concerns and unanswered questions go on. Sometimes you can get lucky, a mom and dad put their child up for adoption due to the realization that there's a huge life ahead of them and somewhere along the line they had an "oops!" and along comes baby, they're in there late teens or early 20's and they only want the best for their child. These are the types of babies that go like hot-cakes. Chances are these are open adoptions and the child is loved and adored by both set of parents, adoptive and biological - what a wonderful life for the child - to be loved and adored by so many.

My room-mate is the recipient of such love. She was adopted when she was a baby and found her birth family in her early 20's. Both families absolutely adore her - there's no tension between the families, only total love and acceptance. When I heard this story I thought that she was the luckiest gal in the world!! Her biological mom was 15 and had an "oops!" with her boyfriend, lived in northern Ontario, was a highschool dropout but a good kid all around and new that she would not be able to raise this child the way should would want to. To this day, my room-mate's mom tells of the heart-wrenching decision but in the end, knew that it was in her daughter's best interest to be with a family that could provide her the opportunities of life that she would not be able to.

So this brings me to my fabulous cousin that is in the throws of adopting her second child through an agency in China. She has been waiting for this baby for over a year. Yesterday she finally got the call - the referral went through and in a few weeks they are off to travel to China to receive this baby - how wonderful is that!! When I heard the news I started to cry! I no nothing of this baby - I haven't even seen the pictures of this wonderful bundle of joy BUT the announcement was equivalent to that of being in the labour room and hearing the cries as the child announces itself to the world. I was absolutely astonished and amazed at my reaction to my cousins news - I always wondered if it was possible to still "love" the same way as a parent that physically carries the child and labours through to the end. I know that I could still "love" an adoptive child but what kind of love would that be. My question was answered yesterday as my reaction was a testament to the kind of love that a mother has for her children, born to her or not!

Congratulations my wonderful cousin on your new bundle of joy! I will celebrate this announcement with as many people that will listen to my tale. You have given me a renewed sense of hope - adoption is just a phone call away and I'm picking up the phone right now!